just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize