3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
