There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
