dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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