Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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