I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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