How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
