so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
