Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
