I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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