He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
