I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
