Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
