The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
