Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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