I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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