I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
