It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
