but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
