My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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