Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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