you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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