I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
