he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
