im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
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