Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
