did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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