i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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