College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
