I'm eating all of the evidence.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
