I wanna bring you to show and tell
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
