I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
