Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
