If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Randomize
