I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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