I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
