Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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