the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
if only i could text you this smell
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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