She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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