I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
