Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
