i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
