i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
