My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
