I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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