It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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