she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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