I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
