I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
