this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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