somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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