The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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