Me. At least after what I've been through.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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