I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
